How To Make For A Perfect Summertime Coastal Vacation
In the USA, the arrival of the good ‘ol summertime means vacations at the beach.
Americans head to the beaches across the country by the millions, packing the shores, hotels, shops, restaurants and bars (good for them on that last one!).
And to make it a pleasurable experience for everyone, Surfside Sam proposes these 10 rules every town should immediately enact for people who go to the beach.
1.) Men Are Not Allowed To Take Off Their Shirts Unless They Are Actually On The Beach Or Within 5 Feet Of The Water
The biggest eyesore at the beach is men who walk around town without their shirts. Many of these men are older, have gray hairy chests, big beer bellies and other physical traits that are best kept hidden under a shirt.
Others have chests pumped up by a mentality of lifting lots of weighs (and possibly digesting several illegal “pump up” pills), often covered with tattoos. These men like to show off their pecs but it’s an ugly sight.
From this point forward, men are required to be wearing a shirt at all times unless they are standing on the sand or are in the water. This includes hotel pools.
Those who violate this rule are required to go immediately to the nearest t-shirt shop. Repeated violations will result in having to sit in a dark movie theater on a perfectly sunny beach day.
2.) Women Must Disrobe At The Beach In Less Than 1 Minute
Women are, from this point forward, required to be undressed down to their bikini in one minute from the time they set foot on the sand.
No more of this procedure that takes 20 minutes, leaving us men when we see a particularly attractive female screaming “Just take off your danged shirt for cryin’ out loud!!!
When women get to the beach, they make a production of it. They put their towel down on the sand and continually adjust it so that it’s just so perfect.
Then they stand in one place staring into space for at least 10 minutes before finally reaching down to wiggle out of their shorts. This takes another five minutes. Then they seem to be waiting for a band to be playing before they FINALLY reach up and – always cross-armed – remove the shirt covering the bikini top.
Any women (well, the attractive ones anyway) taking more than one minute to strip down to her bikini is now ordered straight to the bar where she will have drinks with Surfside Sam.
3.) Kids Must Stay Within 10 Feet Of Their Parents At All Times
Kids are no longer allowed to run freely along the beach, bumping wildly into other beach visitors and otherwise annoying those visitors. This rule particularly applies while the kids are in the town.
Parents who let their kids run wildly and unsupervised along the beach or in the town are required to spend their afternoons listening to condo sales presentations.
4.) People Playing Games On The Beach Must Keep Those Games To Themselves
It will no longer be allowed for people who are playing games at the beach to yell at the top of their lungs, fling objects into the path of strangers or otherwise disrupt the peaceful beach activities of others on the beach.
This rule is to be particularly enforced when Surfside Sam is taking a power nap.
Violators will have their toys taken away from them and ordered to take a “time out.”
5.) Anyone Who Is Caught Littering Or Leaving Trash On The Beach Is Expelled For The Entire Summer
Not much else needs to be said on this matter.
6.) Anyone Over The Age Of 16 Is Not Allowed To Be On A Skateboard
This is punishable by taking the skateboard away from the adult followed by a lecture that includes these words: “it’s time to grow up, son.”
7.) The Tour de France Wanna-Be Bicyclists Must Switch To Strand Cruisers While At The Beach
Those riders in the sponsor-covered outfits and helmets speeding through town on expensive lightweight mountain bikes who think they are in the Tour de France are required to put on beach clothes – down to the flip flops – and switch to a beach cruiser while in beach towns.
Failure to do so will result in the city running over the expensive lightweight mountain bike and person’s riding clothes with a garbage truck.
8.) Every Beach City Is Required To Have A Least One Bar On The Sand – Ideally With a Thatched Roof
I’m talking to you to, LA Beach Cities!
Failure to have this will result in the city buying one round of drinks for every beach-goer every sunny Saturday afternoon at the city’s existing bars.
9.) Motorcyclists And Drivers Who Gun Their Engines Are To Be Punished
They will be made to sit on a kiddy ride for one hour for each infraction.
10). These Things Are Immediately Illegal At The Beach
Men in Speedo and thong-type bathing suits, overweight women in bikinis, super-pale people walking on the beach with no shirt (they must be required to get some semblance of a tan before going out in public), dogs that pee on sidewalks and walls and especially – especially – dog owners who do not pick up after their pets.
Violators of any of the rules of #10 will be banished from every beach and beach town on the planet for life.